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Close your eyes. Imagine you are a little bug, crawling on a great big cabbage leaf. You are excited because this hour you are meeting up with your best friend (presumably to munch on some cabbage... how delicious!). Think hard about your buddy. What kind of bug are they? Do you have a clear image? How about now? Okay excellent. Time for phase two.
At Soup University, we believe that the character of our students is vastly more important than what can be indicated merely through a standardized test like the SAT or ACT. That’s why we require our students to seek out the creature that would have otherwise been their best bug pal and place it directly on top of a printout of the test scores they wish to submit. The scores (face up) with their insect (that in another place and time they would have gotten along excellently with) should be placed directly into the microwave.
Prospective students should carefully select the “popcorn” button, gaze upon the rotating papers, watching as the bug slowly cooks to death from the inside out as the pages around it turn to ash, and then to dust, something you worked so hard to study for reduced in mere seconds into nothing. The Council will receive your scores through this system. If you have pressed the “popcorn” button and given us your friend, we will Know. Do not attempt to otherwise contact the council.
Our students are the kind of people who know how to make sacrifices for what they want. Namely, they will sacrifice their bug friends for a chance at admission into our institution.
And that’s it. Once you realize, your application is complete. You can expect an email of admittance, or if you’ve opted for it, a scrawled message on a fortune cookie fortune inside of the skull of a screw encased in an owl dropping left on your favorite walking path.
Our students are also individuals who are deeply sensitive to the world around them, and reflective. Once you have submitted your scores, flee. FLEE. Run from what you have done, the taking of an innocent life for your own personal gain. THINK about what atrocity you have committed, ah don’t try to minimize it now! He wasn’t “just a bug”, he was your friend. Feel the remorse gnaw at the inside of your chest, penetrating the exterior which shields your ability to care deeply from the atrocities of daily life.
Stare up at the sky, the same sky cruel enough to remain blue regardless of your own emotional condition. Apologize profusely for your actions, clasp your hands and pray for some forgiveness. It won’t fix what you’ve done, but the aleviation of the burden of personal sin will give you a change in paradigm crucial to your understanding of the world. there is no “true good”, no “higher cause” he died for, no metaphysical purpose, no higher state of being than that of where you are right now (aside from one you create, of course).
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